Why Can’t I Just Let This Go? What Keeps Old Hurts Coming Back
You’ve told yourself you’re over it. Then something happens and there it is again. There’s a reason, and it may not be the one you think.
- Letting go is treated as a decision of the mind, but the holding lives in the body and nervous system, which respond to safety, not decisions.
- Understanding why something hurt rarely releases it; insight without the body gives you explanation without relief.
- Judging yourself for still carrying it adds a second weight. Find what the holding is protecting, and ask what is actually yours.
- Combining verbal processing with hands-on bodywork lets the body finish what it couldn't at the time.
You’ve replayed the conversation. You know what you should have said. You’ve analyzed it, talked about it, journaled about it, maybe even announced to yourself, I’m done with this. And then someone says one sentence, or you see one name on a screen, and your whole body answers before your mind does.
So you ask the question every woman I work with eventually asks: why can’t I just let this go?
Why doesn’t deciding to let go work?
Letting go is treated like a decision, something you do once, with your mind. But the part of you that is still holding on isn’t your mind. It’s your body and your nervous system, and they don’t respond to decisions. They respond to safety.
When something hurt, surprised or shamed you, your system did what it was built to do: it filed the experience under “don’t let this happen again” and kept a small part of itself on watch. That watchfulness is what you feel when it comes back. It isn’t weakness. It’s a loyal, slightly outdated security guard.
Why didn’t understanding it fix it?
Most of us try to let go from the neck up. We make it make sense. We forgive on principle. We decide the other person “did their best”. All of that is useful, and none of it reaches the place where the holding actually lives.
That’s why I combine two things in my work: verbal processing, to put words to what you haven’t been able to name, and hands-on bodywork, so the nervous system gets the direct experience of it being over. One without the other tends to give you insight without relief, or relief without insight.
What actually helps you let go?
- Stop judging the fact that it’s still here. The judgment is a second weight on top of the first.
- Find what it’s protecting. Behind almost every “I can’t let go” there is a conclusion you drew about yourself. That conclusion is the thing to look at.
- Ask what is actually yours. A surprising amount of what we carry was never ours to begin with: someone else’s fear, someone else’s point of view, a family rule nobody said out loud.
- Let the body finish. Some things resolve only when the body gets to complete what it couldn’t at the time. That is what a session is for.
Where to start
If this is the question you keep asking, I teach a 90-minute masterclass with exactly this title, live on Zoom with a seven-day replay. If you would rather start one-to-one, a complimentary 30-minute Clarity Call is the simplest place to begin, on Zoom from wherever you are.
FAQQuestions readers ask
Didn’t find your question? Ask it on your complimentary 30-minute Clarity Call.
Book your Clarity CallWhy can't I let go of something that happened years ago?
Because your nervous system filed it under 'don't let this happen again' and kept part of itself on watch. That watchfulness is what returns when a comment or memory triggers it; it is loyalty, not weakness.
Is it normal to feel triggered by something I thought I had dealt with?
Yes. Deciding to let go and actually being free of it are not the same thing. The mind can decide; the body needs a different experience.
What helps you actually let go?
Stop judging that it is still here, find the conclusion you drew about yourself, separate what is yours from what was never yours, and let the body complete the release, which is what a coaching plus bodywork session is for.
Does Lynnae offer something specifically on letting go?
Yes: a 90-minute live masterclass, 'Why Can't I Just Let This Sh!t Go?', on Zoom with a seven-day replay, plus private sessions in Allen, TX and online.
Intuitive Transformational Coach & Facilitator, Growth Junkie Coaching & Facilitation. 36 years in recovery, personal growth and transformational work, helping women see the hidden patterns shaping how they lead, choose and receive. Coaching online worldwide; in-person sessions at The Healing Studio in Allen, TX.
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